Cerne Abbas Giant
Scientists have long debated the age and origins of this... impressive figure. 

For centuries, the origins of a ~180ft long male figure carved into a hillside near the village of Cerne Abbas in Dorset, England. Why is he here? Who is he? And most importantly, why is he so well-endowed?

The figure, created through carved trenches full of chalk, sports a whopping 36-foot penis – earning him two equally appropriate nicknames in England: “The Giant” of Cerne Abbas and “The Rude Man” of Cerne Abbas.

Scientists and historians have long pondered the origins of this figure. Many believe he was carved in ancient times, though the oldest traceable accounts only go back to the 17th century.

But could there be another explanation? Some have theorized that due to its curious design and sheer scale, aliens must have been involved in making the installation. After all, they point out, it is only fully visible from the air – and our human ancestors didn't have technology capable of flight until much later. Their reasoning holds that the figure could be best appreciated from a UFO.

After years of mystery, scientists have successfully dated the soil, potentially shedding light on the age and origins of the most famous English phallus of them all.

Big Questions, Very Big Questions

The soil samples were taken last year, but results were delayed due to the COVID-19 pandemic. Scientists waited with bated breath for the results to come back.

Perhaps he was a crude parody of Oliver Cromwell commissioned by Lord Denzil Holles, holder of the Cerne Abbas estate? Or maybe he was an early depiction of Hercules, famed womanizer that he was? Or potentially, might he even be a Celtic deity from prehistory? 

Well, as it happens… none of the above. “Turns out we don’t know everything,” said Michael Allen, a leading geoarchaeologist who participated in the study. “Every archaeologist I know, including me, had it wrong.”

He's both much younger and much older than the most prominent guesses of scientists and historians. Per the study, the Cerne Abbas Giant probably came to be between the years 700 and 1110 AD, with archaeologists believing his most likely year of origin to be 908. That would put the giant “in a dramatic part of Cerne history,” says The National Trust.

As is often the case with history, as certain questions were answered, more popped up.

God or Graffiti?

“Nearby Cerne Abbey was founded in 987AD and some sources think the abbey was set up to convert the locals from the worship of an early Anglo Saxon pagan god known as ‘Heil’ or ‘Helith’,” The National Trust says. “The early part of our date range does invite the question, was the giant originally a depiction of that god?’”

Now historians are left wondering if a Benedictine monastery intended to convert Pagans to Christianity really commissioned a 180-foot art installation on a local hillside. Why would the monastery create that?

The more likely answer could be very different. Alison Sheridan, an archeological consultant in the UK, suggests an alternate theory: “It would almost seem to be an act of resistance by local people to create this fantastically rude pagan image on the hillside. It’s like a big two fingers to the abbey.”

If that is the case, although this spirited pagan resistance eventually fell to the unstoppable steamroller of Christianity, a physical record of their indignation lives on in this figure on the hillside. 

44 comments

  1. Daniel Gray's Avatar Daniel Gray

    nobody can say for sure as this was around when the English were called "Picts" well before the Roman empire started. Even the Druids say they dont know where this came from. So I would put it in the same category as the Nasca plains and Stonehenge and the Serpent Mound in southern Ohio and the Pyramids (as they all show water erosion meaning that there had to be rains there before the sand) and Göbekli Tepe that has carvings of animals that are not native nor have been seen in that area. Just leave it alone. If you dont want to see it then stay away.

  1. Nicholas J Page's Avatar Nicholas J Page

    Nicholas J Page.UK No one knows for certain about the figure the oldest rumour is that it's a fertility symbol . People were allegedly sitting on the figure in the hope of the women becoming pregnant.How true it is no one really knows.

    1. Carl Bernard Elfstrom's Avatar Carl Bernard Elfstrom

      Casey Dave Darrah, how in the world did you get the totally outrageous idea that I have a goddam church?!!! This isn't a goddam Christian blog, for goddam, worthless christians!!! It sounds like you couldn't have read many of my glorious posts over the last few years. Are you lost? That one thing you said tells me you might not know where you're at, or what this is about.

    2. Lionheart's Avatar Lionheart

      Damn! So thats how Mary really became pregnant then, and God tried to take credit for it. 🤔

      🦁♥️

      1. Carl Bernard Elfstrom's Avatar Carl Bernard Elfstrom

        Lionheart, I've always thought that it wasn't their god who took credit for it, but they sought to blame their god for it, so Mary would seem like a virgin, and nobody would suspect her of being the whore that she was. Nobody really knows who fathered Jesus. It could have been any one of countless men she was sleeping with, while Joseph sat in his easy chair fervently watching them while wolfing down popcorn, as if he was watching his favorite movie!

  1. David Arthur Lewis's Avatar David Arthur Lewis

    So, is this a religious monument? Was it meant to scare away invaders (Vikings)? Or was it every archaeologist's wet dream, where women came to perform fertility rites? I'm just amazed that it survived Queen Victoria.

  1. John Casillo's Avatar John Casillo

    Maybe it was the first devised sprinkler system.......or a cartoon I seem to remember of mickey mouse on roller skates smoking a joint and pluto with the question.... what does it all mean?.....mickey's reply.....it don't mean s__t....Rev john

  1. Wayne Alan Demers's Avatar Wayne Alan Demers

    Definitely not art. Looks stupid.

  1. Douglas Robert Spindler's Avatar Douglas Robert Spindler

    What does this have to do with religion? Other than the builders of the abbey was located it next to the 36 foot penis.

    1. Rev. Jonathan Peebles's Avatar Rev. Jonathan Peebles

      Beccause it was possibly done by pagans? That is probubly why I would have to say...

      1. Carl Bernard Elfstrom's Avatar Carl Bernard Elfstrom

        I can tell by the size of that penis that it wasn't made by Michelangelo Buonarotti.

      2. Carl Bernard Elfstrom's Avatar Carl Bernard Elfstrom

        Go ahead and spit it out, Jonathan. What would you have to say about those wonderful Pagans?

    2. Carl Bernard Elfstrom's Avatar Carl Bernard Elfstrom

      What religion, Douglas?

      1. Douglas Robert Spindler's Avatar Douglas Robert Spindler

        Christians

  1. Rev Mark D's Avatar Rev Mark D

    Seriously, "Popped up"? (rim shot)

    Phantastic.

    1. Crista Ann Haglund's Avatar Crista Ann Haglund

      Phallustastic!!

  1. John P Maher's Avatar John P Maher

    NAH HEs JUST a VENDER SELLING BANANAs to VISITING U S A REPUBLICANs !

  1. Minister Mike's Avatar Minister Mike

    🤣

  1. Rev. Jonathan Peebles's Avatar Rev. Jonathan Peebles

    Gods they probably believe have large penis's so that might be why is he so well-endowed perhaps I would guess?

    1. Carl Bernard Elfstrom's Avatar Carl Bernard Elfstrom

      Why do you think gods have large penises, Jonathan? Why would a spiritual being have a penis at all? Have you spent much time thinking about it? Go ahead, he'll let you.

  1. Carl Bernard Elfstrom's Avatar Carl Bernard Elfstrom

    That's a weird picture. They ought to plant grass over it, and forget it ever existed.

    1. Douglas Robert Spindler's Avatar Douglas Robert Spindler

      Why would you destroy something that’s been around for nearly 2,000 years?

      1. Carl Bernard Elfstrom's Avatar Carl Bernard Elfstrom

        Out with the old, in with the new! All it's done is confuse people. How has that done any good? They could use that land to build something that would help their nation, like another Castle, perhaps. They could atleast charge people admission, to take tours of it, and tell them stories about the battles that were won there, as well as the ghosts in the dungeon.

  1. Carl Bernard Elfstrom's Avatar Carl Bernard Elfstrom

    There's a lot of things in this world that don't do anyone any good, and should be covered up, and forgotten about.

    1. Casey Dave Darrah's Avatar Casey Dave Darrah

      Satanists would say the same about your church.

      1. Carl Bernard Elfstrom's Avatar Carl Bernard Elfstrom

        I don't have or go to church, Casey Dave Darrah. Us Wiccans meet in covens. And even though I'm not a Satanist, I love the Satanic Bible. It's one of my favorite books, and Anton Lavey is one of my favorite people. I sleep with a copy of that book next to my bed, hopefully so I'll be protected by Demons, while I'm sleeping. Blessed be!

      2. Carl Bernard Elfstrom's Avatar Carl Bernard Elfstrom

        Satan loves you Casey, but I'm one of his favorites.

      3. Carl Bernard Elfstrom's Avatar Carl Bernard Elfstrom

        What church, Casey? Us Wiccans meet in covens. I agree that the world would be better off without any churches. Blessed be!

        1. Carl Bernard Elfstrom's Avatar Carl Bernard Elfstrom

          You sound like a good Satanist, brother Casey Dave Darrah. With your help we'll run off those evil, prolific christians, so we can get down to some serious, spiritual work and ministering. Welcome to the blog!!! Please tell other Satanists about us, and invite them to join.

      4. Amy Varela's Avatar Amy Varela

        Comment removed by author.

  1. Carl Bernard Elfstrom's Avatar Carl Bernard Elfstrom

    That also might have been a way of them telling aliens, or even gods, to stay away.

  1. Carl Bernard Elfstrom's Avatar Carl Bernard Elfstrom

    It might also have been put there to make people wonder where it came from. All such things in this world don't have to have a profound, underlying meaning. They might only be practical jokes, or made so that people would have something to believe in.

  1. Elizabeth Allyn Smith's Avatar Elizabeth Allyn Smith

    A male with a hard-on and club in hand are representing man’s propensity for dominance, is what I say... too much testosterone. Perhaps this is how the aliens see us, and have marked us from space as a caution to other life forms. ☮️

    1. Carl Bernard Elfstrom's Avatar Carl Bernard Elfstrom

      Some men also like to be do ominated, Elizabeth. In my bedroom, I'll even worship you as a goddess, and sell you my soul!!!

    2. Carl Bernard Elfstrom's Avatar Carl Bernard Elfstrom

      Spoken like a true lesbian.

  1. Ray Marshall's Avatar Ray Marshall

    The television program Arthur C. Clarke's Mysterious World, which was first broadcasted in 1980 did tests on the Cerne Abbas giant and showed that it has a now overgrown lion skin draped over its left arm which proves that it originally depicted Hercules and was cut by the Romans.

    I do NOT believe this new proposed date which I think is totally incorrect!

  1. Robin Elizabeth Raiford's Avatar Robin Elizabeth Raiford

    I almost agree with you Elizabeth I don't see how a man walking flat-footed on the earth would be able to draw such a perfect outline that large. If you cannot see above how would you make him with such detail? unless they built a tower tall enough to see across the country to be able to draw that man it would have to be to the clouds. So if they really had no way of knowing if their character was going to come out so perfectly flat on the ground.. Well?... the only answer would be that aliens stamped that on the earth somehow labeling in a way... but we don't know. I definitely don't agree with the person above who said cover it up you don't cover up something like that a scientist would never agree with you on that statement

    1. Ray Marshall's Avatar Ray Marshall

      What an utterly ridiculous thing to say. It is very easy to create a design on the ground using pegs and string, then to make it bigger all you need to do is extend the length of the strings in a given ratio. A design of almost any size can then be created.

  1. Carl Bernard Elfstrom's Avatar Carl Bernard Elfstrom

    And what exactly does that hard-on and club represent to you personally, Elizabeth? I bet Nicholas Page would lend you one of his psychiatrists for a little while.

  1. Thomas Charles Reed's Avatar Thomas Charles Reed

    Why the fixation with the penis size? Isn't it proportionate with the size of the being? Just because he's naked you can see everything. Why no talk about the pentagon shaped box he is positioned in? That might be significant. Why nothing about he's bald? Or if his mouth was round shaped, he'd resemble Mr. Bill of early SNL skits? How about one nipple is higher than the other? Hmmmm? How heavy would that club be if it was real? Just having a little fun here. Don't take everything so serious.

  1. Carl Bernard Elfstrom's Avatar Carl Bernard Elfstrom

    This is a good story for Sybil. She loves those penis jokes. I hope they let her out soon, so she can join us, before we move on to something else. We love you, Sybil. Keep coming back! [ That's something they used to always say at A.A. meetings. Ofcourse, they weren't serious or sincere about it, but it sounded good.]

  1. Carl Bernard Elfstrom's Avatar Carl Bernard Elfstrom

    Douglas, your response makes me think that you believe Christianity was iether the only religion practiced in that part of the world at the time, or took precidence over the others. Going on two thousand years ago, the umbrella religion of Paganism, and Pagan life paths, such as Wicca, also then known as Wicce (the old religion), and Druidism were much more prominent, and better known. To further educate yourself on the subject you might read The Wiccan Mysteries by Raven Grimassi.

  1. Christian's Avatar Christian

    Stonehenge had plenty of loyal worshipers back in it's heyday... Research the past & prepare for the future destruction of Earth and death of our sun...

Leave a Comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:
Don't have an account yet? Create Account
Have a question? Ask us now!
Welcome. If you have any questions, I'm happy to help.