Holy Hush: How Churches Betray Victims of Domestic Violence

The following guest sermon was submitted by ULC Minister Anthony Valencia. All ULC Ministers are invited to contribute their own sermons for consideration/publication. To submit a sermon, please email it to sermons@ulc.org.

The silent cries speak louder than the loudest screams. This is the reality for millions of men and women across the country and around the world. A taboo but prevalent problem, affecting millions of people in relationships. One would expect the shepherds to have the best interest of their sheep. Yet, even in the 21st century, this is far from reality.

In the United States, nearly 24 people are physically abused by an intimate partner every minute. According to the CDC, about 41% women and 26% men will experience physical violence, sexual violence, or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetime.

That number does not include psychological aggression, which affects nearly half of all adults, nor spiritual abuse which is less documented but still common in Christian communities. These statistics are astonishing and should sound an alarm for us all. Far too many women and men, including Christians, suffer in silence.

My grandmother was a woman of faith. She married my grandfather after he returned from serving in the army. They were in love for many years. However, a dark cloud hovered over the entire relationship. As a veteran, he carried heavy baggage from his service, suffering greatly from PTSD that triggered frequent outbursts of anger. Despite my grandmother being the peacemaker in the family, she would often be yelled at.

The tipping point came when he put his hands on her and attempted to choke her during a heated argument. This was a moment she feared the most. The man she believed loved her did the unthinkable and committed a violent act. Even after this frightening experience, she stayed. She took her marriage vows seriously and refused to consider divorce, fighting for their union no matter the cost.

By the grace of God, my grandfather experienced an awakening and recognized the gravity of his sins. They agreed to sleep in separate rooms thereafter. She was very fortunate to see this change, as many women (and men) do not experience such change. They have since passed on, but this story makes me think deeply about the state of many couples of faith today.

Here is a question for you: When was the last time that your priest or pastor discussed spousal abuse during Sunday service? I can promise you one of two answers: seldom or not at all. It surprised me to realize that this is the reality in many churches today.

Given the many topics discussed by religious leaders, such as same-sex marriage and abortion, among others, domestic violence is a major issue that often remains unaddressed. In fact, it is far more common than the issues previously mentioned. And although every one of these issues should be rightfully discussed, being silent on others gives the impression that it is not a priority.

I have watched many influencers and religious leaders over the years, and I can count on one hand the number who have discussed this topic. This is very concerning, and it makes me wonder if they are more concerned about preserving the marital union and saving face, rather than getting victims to safety and potentially separating families.

Would negative attention cause more people to question the faith and its leaders? Is raising awareness on this issue viewed as too feminist? Would women speaking out be seen as defying the belief that wives should be submissive to their husbands? Ask yourself these questions.

Compounding the tragedy, many victims fail to recognize that they are in abusive relationships. This often stems from many factors. Abuse often starts off subtly with insults, escalating to coercion, and eventually leading to physical contact involving slaps, punches, or worse. Sometimes sexual violence is also present, which falls under the umbrella of domestic violence.

It is important to note that it does not need to happen in this order. It frequently begins with physical abuse, often coupled with emotional and spiritual abuse. Unfortunately, many victims find themselves trapped and disoriented, not knowing how to escape the situation. They mistakenly believe that they have to remain in the relationship. They are frequently told that leaving their spouse would be a betrayal of the marriage.

Even when they seek guidance from their church leaders, they often give inadequate advice. This stems from a lack of proper education or training among the leaders on sensitive matters, with some believing that it is a private matter between the spouses. This sets the perfect stage for disaster.

Here are some facts. To reiterate, 41% of women and 26% of men in the United States are victims of domestic violence. These figures are likely underreported, due to reluctance about speaking out. Male victims face a larger stigma, due to the outdated belief that men can’t be victims. Verbal abuse and coercion are much less overt than physical abuse, but just as damaging.

Furthermore, marital rape and sexual abuse are issues that are least talked about. According to VAWnet, about 10-14% of married women experience it. While it is lower for men, it nonetheless still happens. Sexual coercion, where a spouse manipulates, guilts, or threatens their partner into engaging in sexual activity, also constitutes a form of abuse. These forms of abuse fall under the category of domestic violence.

It’s also important to understand the profile of abusers. They come in all forms. They can appear as the stereotypical angry businessman, or the friendly lady that attends your church every Sunday.

While many victims believe that their abusers can change, the statistics show a different story. The vast majority of abusers do not change their abusive patterns. According to a meta-analysis from Clinical Psychology Review, a small number of perpetrators remain non-violent throughout the relationship. The 2024 meta-analysis reaffirms findings from a 2004 study, indicating a 5% reduction in recidivism. This is a very difficult pill to swallow. Thankfully, we can only go up from here, but we still have work to do.

The silence from our religious leaders is deafening. It’s really shameful that, in 2026, this life-threatening issue persists from those who are shepherds of the faithful. Churches regularly discuss topics like same-sex marriage, abortion, contraception, fornication, pornography, immigration, politics, apostasy, and even climate change.

However, one of the most neglected yet pervasive issues is domestic violence. While many Christian denominations have policies on paper, it is the responsibility of the leaders to discuss it in their sermons so that every churchgoer hears it clearly. Most people won’t read multiple pages of documents, often written in difficult language. In my view, this is negligence at best and malice at worst.

Too often, leaders encourage the victim to stay and “work it out” with their spouse or seek marriage counseling. This is dangerous and misguided advice. If you are a victim of abuse, your first priority must be safety. Separate yourself from the perpetrator as safely as possible, contact authorities and seek protection.

Consulting a priest or pastor should not be the initial step. When the time is right and your conscience allows, explore annulment or civil divorce. Many victims attempt to reconcile with their spouse, but statistics show the odds are against lasting change. Abusers often re-offend, and violence often escalates during or after separation attempts. Safety must always trump reconciliation. If you or a loved one has experienced abuse of any kind, know your options. Include prayer in your healing journey. Don’t become prey; pray.